...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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