his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
