if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize