I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
