took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
