i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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