How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
