im drinking this country out of the recession.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
