i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
