i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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