you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
