Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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