I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
