These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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