Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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