Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
the day after is always just damage control
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
