Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
