i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
my shit smells like andre
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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