your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
