She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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