idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Randomize
