Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
