Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
