Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Everyone says I win the strip club
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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