Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
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