Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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