is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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