a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I think I just sharted jello shots
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
