what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We had sex on a dog bed..
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Randomize
