I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
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