Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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