I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
drinking out of a sandbucket again
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
