I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize