Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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