I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
