Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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