I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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