I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
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