Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
soo... how was my night?
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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