u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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