Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
