I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
