The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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