I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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