i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
