I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
