to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
