That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
you will always have a special place in my vag
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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