sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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