"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
