pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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