At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
there is glitter all over my balls
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
