My nipple is on Facebook.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
should my penis look like a turkey
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
