Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
