i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
