Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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