i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize