grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
