it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
