Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize