Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
